Tenten Decides to Die
by Isfahel
Summary: Tenten is young, beautiful, and talented. Hence she does not expect anyone to understand why she has chosen to end her life. She also doesn't expect to wake up after her suicide attempt; on both counts, however, she finds herself mistaken.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Hello, welcome to my story! The theme of this story is not angst, more a search for meaning. Romance later, maybe. It's a new take and I hope you will like it, or at least find it interesting. Enjoy!

Note: This is set after the great wars end, and Konoha is in the process of rebuilding. The Konoha 11 (or is it 12 now?) are about 20 years old.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

_Inspired by Paulo Coelho's Veronika Decides to Die._

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><p><strong>Tenten Decides to Die<strong>

_by Isfahel_

_-ONE-_

It was on a perfectly normal day that Tenten decided to die. The sun was shining brightly, and birds were singing in the air. She sat in her room, waiting for the powder that would bring her eternal rest to dissolve in the cup.

Earlier she had gone from Neji's grave, to Shikamaru's new cloud watching spot (the old one had been destroyed along with most of Konoha), to the roof of her apartment. No matter where she went, she had been filled with a familiar, restless unease.

The thought had lingered in her mind for the past months, though the seeds of it began long ago. Today it finally crystallized.

_Might as well do it now, _she thought.

If possible she would have liked to die in combat, but that wasn't something she could arrange. Neither would she use explosives, or throw herself off a building. She had seen enough grisly remains during missions. Sleeping powder it was, then.

It had been all too easy to ask Sakura for some, citing a bout of insomnia. She did that a month ago, when she had progressed from playing with the idea of suicide, to actually planning for it. Sakura didn't question her, for after all – Neji was dead. That explained everything, to everyone.

Yet Tenten was not a heartbroken girl pining for her dead lover. She had loved Neji, yes, but she also loved Lee, and even Gai. It was the sort of love one shared with a teammate: unbreakable, undying, sacrificial. She would give her life for them, and knew they would do the same for her. This love would never end with two people sharing a bed, but it was a strong bond all the same.

She felt Neji's loss keenly, and had wept for him in private. But Tenten knew she could move on, and she was already beginning to. In this harsh line of work, one learnt to set aside some things in order to stay sane.

Instead, it was the emptiness permeating everyday air that made living unbearable.

Everything inevitably added up to nothing; didn't people see it? We convince ourselves that we 'progress' in life, which is a sort of personal 'journey'_. _But in truth, from the day we begin to understand things to the day we die, nothing actually changes.

Days repeat, variations of days passed. We have the same conversations, just worded differently. Even books all tell the same story (except for a rare few), only fluffed up in different ways, as if people's imaginations are trapped in the same timeless cage.

Tenten understood the inevitability of life (impressive, for a twenty-year-old), and did not see the point in continuing a life that, in essence, did not change.

However, Tenten was not depressed, nor did she have the psychological scars so many shinobi bore. Compared to the others, she would be considered emotionally stable. She wasn't like Sasuke, desperate to cut all links with those he held dear. That man was afraid of loss, and turned to the simplest solution: you can't lose what you don't have.

Nor was she like Ino, who filled her brain with meaningless things so she did not think dark thoughts at night.

She was normal, pleasant, considerate, and obedient. She would never be the best kunoichi, but she had the potential to enter ANBU. She did not have a boyfriend, but that wasn't from a lack of offers. Her missions were completed with diligence, her days off spent in enjoyment.

Tenten was like any other girl, except she was now waiting for death to finish dissolving in her green cup.

Outside her window was an endless blue sky with a few stray clouds.

_When the buildings are built, I wonder if Shikamaru will go back to the same spot to watch the clouds, _Tenten thought. It was a pity, she admitted, that she could not contribute any further to Konoha's rebuilding. Still, she had done her share, and when she died there would be no more regret. No more feelings.

A strange peace had settled on her now that she was carrying out her decision. No longer would she have to face the pain of daily tedium, for she was going to die. Tenten felt like humming.

As she brought the cup to her lips and drank, she wondered whether she would wake up, so to speak, after this. Questions about the next life had never really bothered her, and neither had issues about faith or spirituality. She had killed before, but that was the norm in her world, and she had never caused harm unnecessarily. If judgement was to come, she was not unduly worried.

The cup was drained empty, and she placed it down. All kunoichi knew how swift the powder was, but how long would it take to die?

A cramp seized her stomach and she bent over, teeth gritted.

_Not like this, no pain, no pain, _she thought, forcibly relaxing her face muscles. She did not want her friends to see her later, face twisted in agony.

But what did it matter? Eventually they, too, would forget. Like everything else, memory passes. Just like she, Tenten, was just passing through.

_And now I am free. _

Her eyes closed as her head fell on the table, and she was enfolded in darkness.

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><p><strong>AN: **This was an interesting write. Maybe I'll continue it, just so I won't have to kill a character...for the first time ever.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this, and if it's worth continuing. I'm trying my new hand out at various themes. Thank you so much!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Tenten learns that she will soon be placed in a very uncomfortable situation. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

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><p><strong>Tenten Decides to Die<strong>

_by Isfahel_

_-TWO-_

_Tug, tug._

Tenten stirred.

_Tug…tug tug. _

Something was tugging at her.

"Mmmmhh…" She shifted, intending to swat it away.

Her hand jerked against a cold metal restraint once, then twice, and at once her eyes flew open.

_What is this? Where am I? _Her thoughts formed in her brain sluggishly, as if she had been drugged.

_Of course I've been drugged, _Tenten thought, recalling the sleeping powder. Rather the question was: why had she survived? The sharp tang of antiseptic filled the air, and she had drips stuck in her arm. This was no afterworld.

_What are these cuffs? I can't move! _

She pulled against the clinking chains feebly, dismayed at how weak she was. No matter how she tried, chakra wouldn't flow through her arms – but that might have been a property of the cuffs, she wasn't sure.

Her head fell back to the pillow. She could guess what had happened. Someone must have dropped in for a visit, maybe even entering by the window, and saw her in time to…what? Save her?

Something white leaped at the edge of her vision. Turning, she saw a white cat, all fur with bright green eyes, padding on the couch. It must have been playing with her sleeve.

There was also a small table with a vase of flowers, and chairs. They were dark and well-crafted. Outside the window was an unobstructed view of the sky. It was quite luxurious, if not for the restraints around her wrists and ankles.

Tenten watched the cat curl itself into a ball, heard her pulse thudding in her ears.

The door opened and she said nothing as Tsunade entered, followed by Sakura. They didn't seem surprised to see her awake.

Tsunade placed her hands on her hips, regarding her with a look she couldn't decipher.

"Well? How are you feeling?" Tsunade asked.

"Why am I chained?" Tenten returned.

"Because we spent the whole night trying to save your life, and it would be wasted if the first thing you did was try and kill yourself. Again."

Tenten looked at them expressionlessly. Sakura was staring down at her clipboard, trying to mask her unease. The Godaime glared sternly.

The older woman sighed. "Why did you do it, Tenten?"

_Why did I do it? _

How could she place it into words? It was hard to explain something present in every thought, action and feeling.

Well, the simple answer would be that Tenten felt she had experienced all that life had to offer. Now she could only experience those same things over and over again.

If she had to continue this loop until she was eighty, old and wrinkled, suffering from dementia and arthritis, then why not end it now? Today?

Tenten's mouth opened, but no words came out. _Why haven't _you_ done it? _She wanted to ask. Once they left she would finish what she started. She was a kunoichi; she would find a way.

"Aren't you going to ask us how you are?" Tsunade said, raising an eyebrow. "Sakura, tell her."

The junior medic-nin glanced at Tsunade before returning her gaze to the clipboard. "Ahh…we did a gastric lavage but you were found too late–"

_Not late enough! _Tenten thought.

"–and your heart is irreversibly damaged," Sakura finished.

Tenten waited.

Sakura's head was lowered, as if she could not bear seeing her friend in this state. "You have a week at most to live," she whispered.

Tenten let the news settle in, her eyes drifting away to the window. A week? They should have killed her when they realized they couldn't save her. But they wouldn't, of course; plus their job was to save lives, not take them.

Sakura was saying something more, but she wasn't listening.

"You won't take these off?" Tenten asked finally, coming back to the present.

Sakura shook her head.

"No. You're not the first shinobi who's done this, you know," Tsunade said, her tone almost conversational. "It's too dangerous to take them off."

"You're going to chain me here for a week? While I wait to die?" Tenten asked disbelievingly.

"What? We're not that cruel. You can go anywhere in the hospital as long as you wear those cuffs. They're chakra neutralizing," Tsunade added.

_I may have to throw myself off a building after all, _Tenten thought blankly. Her consciousness was wavering.

"You should sleep now," Sakura said, passing a glowing hand over her eyes. "Tomorrow…tomorrow the first person will be Shikamaru."

"Person?" Tenten slurred.

"What I mentioned just now. One person will follow you around and everyone volunteered…"

_What? Oh no no no…_

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><p><strong>AN: **After some thought I settled on Shikamaru, because I reckon we'd need the most careful, diplomatic person to be first in this situation. So there goes Lee and Gai, for one. Tenten's family are a no-go because they're too distraught.

What do you think about how the story is progressing? I'm trying my best not to make it an outpouring of angst, but is it working?

All comments are very appreciated :) Thanks, it really means a lot to me!

In addition, if you're reading this you've read all the way to my second chapter. *hugs* Thank you.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Tenten gets a surprise. Or two. Or three...

Disclaimer: As usual, I don't own Naruto.

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><p><strong>Tenten Decides To Die<strong>

_by Isfahel_

_-THREE-_

Tenten glared at her image in the mirror, brushing her teeth violently as words sped through her mind: _Shikamaru is coming…Shikamaru is coming…damn it Shikamaru is coming…_

She did not want to see anyone. Inevitably they would treat her differently, see her as an invalid or something 'gone wrong'. Shikamaru was smarter than most, and would be able to hide it better – that was even worse.

She hadn't gone wrong. Instead she saw things too clearly. Tenten could tolerate lies: such as when Neji said her subpar genjutsu was 'fine', or when Lee said he was too tired to go for the gathering (instead he went to train). She could lie to herself, as well.

But some things, once known, could not be unknown. Once she understood that this anguish was until death, Tenten spent every moment of every day distracting herself from it.

She threw herself on the bed and flipped some pages, her washing up done. When the door finally opened, her jaw twitched; she did not look up.

It wasn't his fault – he was a good guy, with a kind heart. But for all that he meant well, someone who had not been where she was, would not be able to understand. It was simply the truth.

All his efforts and advice would be a 'miss', because he would think she was depressed, that maybe she needed a break, or a life goal… That wasn't it. Tenten's previous attempts at talking to people about this had been awkward and embarrassing, not illuminating. Her dark place seemed to be a hell she had to navigate alone, without guidance or signposts.

"Yo."

Tenten froze. That wasn't Shika's voice; and that was the unmistakable smell of dumpling noodles!

"K-Kakashi…sensei!?"

In response he held out the steaming box of dumpling ramen. "I heard these are your favourite."

"Ah…yes…they are…but why are you here?"

Kakashi smiled and handed her his offering. "Better eat it when it's hot."

Tenten took it hesitantly. She didn't know much about him; only that he was an elite jounin and Gai's eternal rival…pfft.

She wasn't really hungry, but opened the box anyway. In the meantime Kakashi drifted around the room, picking up things and placing them back, only looking at her when she broke the chopsticks apart and put a dumpling in her mouth. It was good.

"I've been here before…" Kakashi's gaze swept across the room. "After Obito and Rin."

Tenten vaguely remembered hearing the story of Kakashi's former teammates, but she never knew it had landed him in this ward.

"You…?" She didn't know how to ask.

"Maa…I went into missions trying to make every one my last. In the end they chained me here and brought some therapist to see me."

"What happened?"

"I escaped." Kakashi said, his eye creasing with a grin. She grinned back. "I packed my bags and left, traveled around for about two years. I did things I never did before. Lived as a civilian…always wanted to know what that was like…worked in a pottery in the land of earth, bred fish in the land of water, things like that."

"It sounds interesting, but how did that change things?"

"Well…you've done a lot of things, haven't you? To make things better?"

Tenten nodded.

"And you've thought about it a lot as well, until you can't think anymore, and it's just a tangled mess."

More nods.

"Maa…to put it another way, it's doing all those things that led you to where you are now, isn't it?" Kakashi paused to let that sink in.

He continued, "if you want something to change, you have to do something you've never done before, never even considered doing."

"Like what?"

He shrugged. "Anything. Have you ever tried painting? Drawing? I wouldn't recommend breeding fish though. It's like watching paint dry."

The thought that it was possible for things to change made her breathe faster, it scared her. He seemed to be forgetting one crucial thing.

"Kakashi-sensei…I only have one week left, you know?"

"Oh, that's a lie." Kakashi said nonchalantly. "Tsunade thinks the threat of impending death will make you experience life more keenly. Who knows? Anyway, don't tell her that I told you."

Tenten stared.

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><p><strong>AN:** Tsunade should have known better than to let the notorious Kakashi in, shouldn't she?

Yeah, Shika was no good, at least for the first visitor. I wonder what will happen next? ^^

Please spare a moment to leave a comment! I really appreciate it, and thank you so much :)


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